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It took herculean effort to jack up my eyelids. My head seemed swollen. There was pain that seemed to pulsate with the beat of the heart which was the only evidence that I had still worked. The sourness of the upset stomach announced its presence as soon as I moved. I was hung over…BAD.

I managed to get out of bed and stumble to the sink where I tuned the cold water on and drank long and deep. A nasty belch that tasted like vomit inspired me to drink another gallon. “why doesn’t water dilute the taste of vomit” I thought to myself. It was all I could do to stumble back to bed before I collapsed. Dear Lord I was miserable.

I dozed off for a while which was good since I was thankfully oblivious to the pain. I don’t know how long sleep embraced me before a faraway sound; very shrill interrupted the only relief possible. Disoriented I finally recognized it as the sound of my cell phone. I fumbled in the wrinkled cargo shorts that I was wearing and as I put my hand on the phone the ringing stopped. Before I could fall back asleep it rang again. Since it was still in my hand I got to it this time…barely.

“Dude!!! You are one fucking sick puppy!!!” said a voice that was far too cheery and exponentially too loud. “What are you talking about?” I croaked.

“You weren’t that drunk yet…I KNOW you fucking remember” the voice said.

“Fuck you” was all I could think to respond. I hung up and turned the phone off and rolled onto my back and tried to recall the evening. Unfortunately those memories started flowing.

A friend of mine’s girlfriend was house-sitting a home near the country club. Actually, it was a mansion. Tennis courts, gigantic pool with a waterfall on one end. They told me it was 9500 square feet, not counting the four car garage.

The owners were checking on their factory in Indonesia and would be away for a couple of weeks. My buddy spent the first couple of days with his girlfriend there and then invited me. My plan was to make a pitcher of Planter’s punch and hang by the pool all day.

It is hard to explain the opulence of this house. At first it was a little intimidating. After a while though, you get used to it. Time becomes a distant concept and total relaxation occurs. Floating in the pool, the sound of the waterfall and the gentle breeze coming off of the lake. Add rum and it was heaven.

My buddy and his girlfriend had gone to the store and I was dozing on a float, drifting around the pool. I was awakened by a husky voice. When I opened my eyes there was an old lady asking who the hell I was. Of course I didn’t remember the name of the owner but explained about my friend’s girlfriend was house-sitting.

The old lady might have been hot one day but that day was long past. Her once tall frame had a little hunch to the back and what had been large breasts had become huge. She was wearing lime green pants in some kind of stretch fabric and the blouse had the exact same color in the flowery pattern.

She demanded that I get out of the pool and leave. “lady, I am supposed to be here…I don’t know about you though”.

That fired her up and she insisted that I get out of the pool. She was babbling about living next door and godmother to their children or some such crap. I got out of the pool and walked over to her explaining that it was all a misunderstanding.

Something changed in her voice when I stood up. Her eyes suddenly looked predatory and she didn’t look so frail. She said something about my “physique” and stepped towards me. In one simple move she pushed me back where I fell into a chaise and as I fell she pulled my swim trunks down. With open eyed astonishment I ended up on my back with my cock exposed. She took her teeth out with her right hand and put her hands on my thighs, using her upper body to lower herself to her knees. WHATTHEFUCK!!!

Before I could get up she had my dick in her mouth. The toothless gums were an amazing and different sensation. Slick yet hard. Warm and wet. She worked my dick with her left hand, opposing motion to the motion of her head. MY GOD this old lady was an expert.

I looked down at the snow white cranium, a little thinning on the top. Her teeth were still in her right hand grinning at me. A fleck of spinach on a molar. It was grotesque yet the feeling was incredible and in a moment I had a raging hard on. She stood up and slipped out of the pants and straddled me. While she wasn’t tight she was very wet. She was also very vocal, moaning loudly and sometimes calling the name “Pete”.

As she rode me she pulled her bra over the top of her head and tossed it aside. Then she worked to unclasp the massive underwire bra. The gigantic breasts fell free. They were soft as cotton candy but longer.

Her legs were a little creaky so she lay on the next chaise and pulled me along. She guided me inside and begged me to pound her. Her breasts fell to either side and were so large that the nipples faced down but they had a cool motion and even though I had essentially been raped, she felt good.

She kept begging for me to go harder and I complied. She was yelling and screaming so I pounded her harder. Damn she had some lungs. “OOOOOOOOOOOO, OH GOD!!! HELP ME!!!! YOU”RE KILLING ME!!! DEAR LORD!!! OOOOOOOOOOO!!!! PETE!!!!” The screams were shrill and piercing. While I never would have thought that I would be banging a woman the age of my grandmother I had to admit, she was quite the vixen. Just listen to how much she was into it. I don’t remember when I had a more satisfying orgasm.

I pulled out and looked down at the pasty white wrinkled woman with the tits lying on the chaise under her arms. Her teeth were still in her right hand. My cock was glistening in the sunshine and I was thinking about taking a minute to recover and pop her again. She kept moaning really loudly. She must have really enjoyed it. And why not? President Johnson was probably in office the last time she had a stud like me. I looked at my dick and thought “hell, I AM president Johnson”. I was pleased with my performance and for that matter my wit. The double entendre was great! Sometimes I crack myself up.

“Hey Lady, you fuck like a master” I told her. Oddly it was weird to say “fuck” in front of her. Now that my cock wasn’t in her it somehow seemed improper. It was right then that my buddy and his girlfriend came onto the patio.

The girlfriend said “OH MY GOD” and then put her hand over her mouth and giggled.

My buddy shaking his head said “Dude!”

The old lady put her teeth back in and said “you bastard, you broke my hip”


The girlfriend called 911 and I tried to dress the old lady. I wasn’t able to get the bra on but I pulled the shirt over her head. The pain of her hip made it impossible to get her pants back on.

When the EMS guys got there they came upon an old lady with no bra or pants and a seeping pussy. I was hoping that they might not know who was the lover but my buddy held his girlfriend’s hand so by process of elimination, I was the kink. They would occasionally give me a sideways dart of the eyes.

When they transferred the old lady to the stretcher she let out an incredible scream of pain. As they were strapping her down they all took turns glaring at me. It was not long before were gone and my pal was speechless beyond saying “dude” with different inflections. The girlfriend was quiet except for the occasional giggle.

As for me, I started drinking rum.

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